Over the past year I read four books that are connected with relationships in one way or another:
- Mating in Captivity. Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic — Esther Perel
- Sex at Dawn — Cacilda Jetha, Christopher Ryan
- The Five Love Languages — Gary Chapman
- The Art of Loving — Erich Fromm
Based on the quotes I saved, I am putting together small notes on each book. I will start with the first one on the list: Mating in Captivity. Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. It is a book about preserving passion and desire in family relationships. The author is Esther Perel, a well-known psychotherapist from New York with 25 years of experience.
Watch Esther Perel’s TED talk: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship
- Comfort and stability are important for family life. The erotic, on the other hand, requires unpredictability, spontaneity, and risk.
- To preserve eroticism in a relationship, it is important that each person maintain their own individuality. The best place for eroticism is the space between partners.
- A child runs off to explore the world and socialize with peers, then immediately returns to make sure the parents are still there. A child needs to feel safe. Only then are they able to truly enjoy themselves and discover something new.
- In childhood we try to find a subtle balance between dependence on those who care for us and the need to build our own space.
- Instead of constantly trying to become closer and closer to a partner, each partner should develop as an individual.
- When one partner is expected to share every thought and every piece of news, when the boundaries of private life narrow, fusion sets in for a while. Possession replaces desire. If there is nothing left to hide, there is nothing left to seek.
- No one can enrage us the way a partner can. Hatred is not the opposite of love, but rather one of its forms.
- The ability to feel aggression is a necessary condition for the ability to love. Let aggression exist within the system of your feelings and relationships instead of hiding it.
- Anxiety is your ally. It shows that it may be time to take a certain risk.
- You do not compare a present-day affair to marriage because you understand they are completely different things. At home it is safe and predictable. Here you tremble and fear taking the next step. That is exactly what attracts you.
“We grumble that life is hard, curse every stone that appears in our road, but when we reach a certain maturity, we finally look down and realize we have been stepping on diamonds.” Frank Jude Boccio, Mindfulness Yoga
- The more a man loves and respects his wife, the more difficult it becomes for him to have sex with her.
- To feel erotic excitement, step out of emotional fusion and focus on your own sensations. Behave selfishly.
- The stronger the emotional bond in a couple, the farther we can move away and the more confident we are that when we return, our partner will not turn away, and may even be happy about our victories.
- To love one another without losing oneself is the greatest challenge of emotional intimacy.
“The bonds of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and sometimes three.” Alexandre Dumas
- The third person is the materialization of our desire to get something that lies beyond the walls we ourselves have built.
“A couple resists the intrusion of a third party, but for a couple to exist at all, it needs external enemies. That is why even the most monogamous people do not do without someone third on the horizon. When there are only two of us, we are simply side by side. To become a couple, there must be a third.” Adam Phillips, Monogamy
- Some couples acknowledge the possibility of a third person, and by doing so they add color to the relationship. Each person understands that they do not fully possess the other.
“In life there are only two real tragedies: one is not getting what you want, and the other is getting it.” Oscar Wilde
Continued — Notes on “Sex at Dawn”